Growing Pains

It hurts, it hurts.

It hurts so bad.

This ache, this terrible ache.

I feel it deep inside.

Even in my bones I feel it.

In my arms and legs, it feels like my bones are expanding and my skin won’t stretch at the same speed with the rest.

Oh it hurts.

And now it’s getting cold outside again.

It hurts worse with the cold.

And all the things that accompany the winter time are finding their way to me.

The crisp chill of the air.

The smells of cinnamon and other variously baked goods filling a room.

The excitement that comes with certain aspects of the holidays.

And the memories.

Most of all the memories.

The memories of my childhood and how like clockwork, my own little family would do our traditions as the season of the holidays during winter approached.

But now everything is so different.

The cold is coming.

No wait, it’s not coming. It’s already here…

And with it, is the most brutal wave of nostalgia accompanying it.

…And now the inner child in me is screaming.

Oh mom it hurts, make it stop it hurts.

I used to love this time of year.

I would start wearing the million pairs of Christmas socks I owned immediately after Halloween was over. I loved the music, and all the food, but most of all I loved the way that no matter who I was with, it bonded us closer together, and the tradition’s we had.

Most years it was just my mom, brother and I. Other times it was us three, her then boyfriend and his whole families’ side celebrating together and sharing memories. Or at times us with other friends and neighbors who felt they had no family of their own to share the holiday with.

But this year it isn’t any of those things.

It's blocked numbers to a birth mother.

A strained relationship with a brother.

A walking ghost of a father.

Long distance family who I rarely have contact with.

Friendships I am afraid I have started to sabotage as I go into isolation mode.

Too many things that aren’t the way they’re supposed to be.

Momma it hurts so much, please find a way to make the pain stop.

I forgot what this feeling, during this time of year, felt like.

As the months have been passing me by, I’ve been baffled by how quickly each one actually passes and how with its passing, it was trying to gracefully lead me closer and closer to winter. And now it’s here. And for some reason I’m comparing it to all the other winters in my life.

To be truthful, this time of year has been difficult to manage since 2018. I can recall that being the first year I felt this awful sadness in my chest and I couldn’t figure out why. A lot of people will say that it’s seasonal depression, and sure to a degree I wouldn’t doubt that it is. But so much has changed, and whatever state of death or rebirth, or whatever the fuck you want to call this is, feels like absolute shit.

Momma help, I’m begging.

I feel exhausted all the time. I work. I come home. I sleep. Repeat. I have a void starting to fill so big inside of me. I don’t want it to fill up bigger and bigger but I don’t know how to make it better. I sit with myself and ask hard questions. I get answers. I pray. I wait, but…

I feel like I’m waiting for something yet I don’t even know what that something is.

What’s wrong with me? Momma am I gonna be okay?

What the hell do I have to be waiting on? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I sit here day in and day out, and with each passing day all I think about is how having the reality you dream of is only going to happen by putting in the work to get it. Things don’t just fall into people’s laps. And I know this. I’ve always known this truth. But my legs are weak, and my arms are heavy. I don’t know how to pick up any pieces and keep going.

Momma find a way to make the ache go away.

Everything around me has also been screaming that imminent change is coming.

Scorpio season (the season of death and rebirth) is ending. Autumn left as quickly as she said hello. All the leaves will have turned brown and fallen before I know it. The world will be bare, and quiet. Most of it will be still.

Maybe I feel with the seasons.

Because like clockwork, I feel the same every winter. And every spring I feel the same. I feel the feelings that relate to the season. But this time, I feel all of the death around me, all of the changing. And I know that death, as it is seen as an end to most, is also the beginning of something else. They go hand in hand.

But that in between stage of death and new life is hard. I think that’s what I am stuck in. And my brain decided to shackle me to a chair nailed to the ground and it’s forcing me to watch any, and every memory I have from October-January in my first 20 years here.

Momma is it almost over?

I talk so much about being kind to myself when I experience negative emotions come up. And to flow with them. And I am. I am allowing myself the rest I need. I’m taking it easy. I’m not telling myself the way I feel is an overreaction or that it doesn’t matter. And maybe I can do all that and it can still not feel better. Because I can believe these things but it doesn’t take the physical pain away in the same moment I have these epiphanies.

It doesn’t feel so bad anymore momma, I can still feel it but it’s not as bad as it was. I think…I think maybe it’s finally passing.

Maybe I just have to let it pass as naturally as possible. And I’ve been trying to break this bad habit of always needing to know the next step of everything, because with this I can’t. It’s not for me to know. Only the universe. I have to trust her. I know so much good will come from this but why does it always have to feel so bad when it ends?

I know I’m gonna be okay now. The aches will go away. I’m just turning into a big girl, that’s all!! I realized that now. I’m okay momma, I promise I’m okay.