And So I Cry These Tears Of Joy

I can’t tell you in actuality how long its’ been since I’ve been feeling the way that I have, but I do know that it feels heavy, and once again my mind feels plagued.

I have come to realize that every so often, I go through these waves of transformation. And each time I know, and can feel myself going through these tsunami’s of change, sometimes I wonder how much longer I can keep fighting against the direction its’ current is trying to take me the second I get scared the tides are too rough.

I love to swim you see. I could get in water and stay in it all day. I’ve always been that way, ever since I was a little girl. I would pretend I was a mermaid, so much so, I would cross my ankles in the water and act as if my two-to-now-one-leg, was actually my tail and I would practice swimming the way you see a mermaid do. I could fall asleep in the tub every single time I take a warm bath because it feels like a really nice hug. I love feeling the texture of when my fingers prune from being submerged in water. I love to swim you see.

And it is for this reason that my love for swimming can be both a wonderous thing but also a dangerous thing. And I’m not sure if the order is important in which those are felt, but they inevitably both exist, no matter the order. I run to the ocean open arms every time I go, and this eagerness to throw myself into the deep waters is brave, but at times naive. Sometimes I don’t stop to think about the other inhabitants in the water, or how the weather can effect the tides. Sometimes I simply go in blind, and don’t realize every time I do this I am risking so much whilst choosing to chase the pleasure of being encompassed by the sea.

Now clearly I just used a plethora of water analogies to describe the sensation these transformations bring, the real point is the feeling of the emotions and thoughts arising themselves. Often times when I sit with these thoughts and/or feelings privately, or at times share them with those closest to me, one of two things happens; 1) I worry that it sounds depressive or 2) the person thinks I am depressed and becomes very concerned for me. This makes it hard for me to want to open up about things that I carry in my heart and mind with others because what becomes hard to explain to them, is that these experiences I am describing are not stemming from some form of mental illness or trauma I (may) have. Sure, do I believe that my decisions I have both made, and will make, sometimes are influenced by subconscious traumatic experiences I’ve had in my childhood? Absolutely. But for me, the thing is that even when I was six, or seven, or twelve, or seventeen; my emotional understanding of the world made me internally and mentally feel a LOT older. There are certain things about the world, morals, maturity, integrity, and humanity that I have somehow always been aware of and just understood. When engaging in these topics at previously said ages, it was always seen as ‘unusual’ (in a high level way on the maturity scale) because the complexities of these topics are things anyone whom at my age couldn’t possibly grasp with such depth.

Boy were our elders sure wrong when they made us believe that intelligence lies within the amount of years you have accumulated being alive, feeding this “we know best” mentality.

Some days I joke about how my third eye never closed after being born, or that it is because I believe I am on the spectrum for Autism. (The Autism thing is not a joke, only the third eye part is. While maybe I am still right about the third eye thing, I’ll never truly know that, but I genuinely believe I am somewhere on the spectrum from all the information I have come across in the last two years regarding the subject.) With either/both the third eye theory, or the Autism one, both of these things make a persons’ perceptions and senses hightened a lot of the time, if not at all times. Or perhaps it’s one of my trauma responses I developed; to read my surroundings at all times to know when I am at risk for being in an unsafe environment. I couldn’t tell you if it’s one particular influence, or some unique combo of the three, or more or other influences entirely. What I believe is that it is PIECES of all of those things, but it is also me.

I have mentioned this once before in a blog, about how we are not our thoughts. So, if we aren’t our thoughts, then there are a lot of other things we are not as well; but society, our parents, our peers, our minds, have taught us what we think we are.

So if I am separate from my traumas, conditionings, possible Autism, and anything else I just mentioned; then what am I?

An energy that is conscious of itself.

I am aware that I am something else entirely outside of all of the makings that typically make a human, a human. And so if I am not only a human, but something else that resides in that human body, and can understand that, then I am not that body. I am that thing allowing myself to be connected to said body and this Earth every single day.

So to finally circle back; being aware of my existence, of my consciousness, my life, and my actions; in these very deep ways, means that I am aware of the stages of life I am going through and somehow without having guidance from any parental guardian, therapist, doctor, healer, higher power, etc. I have still always known what I (the consciousness that I am) need(s) to do in order to get through this life, and how to evolve in a positive manner both for myself, and for others.

And in its’ own ways, it is extremely intense. I feel like every day that I exist, it’s a new day for my body, mind, heart, and soul to open themselves up to, and receive new input (things from everyday life) as knowledge and learn something from it. To understand how it weaves into the interconnected-ness of every single thing that is alive, or carries energy. In turn all of that then makes me want to learn how I am meant to co-exist in these spaces with these other things I am intertwined with.

I don’t mean coexisting in the way of morphing myself to spaces or people to make me, or my energy, palatable. I mean simply figuring out the larger underlying workings of all the things I am connected to, and how to be aware of my influence of and with that connected-ness. If you are somebody that believes most things happen for a reason, and that every thing that exists, exists to serve partly as a piece to a much larger purpose; then maybe you can understand what I am saying. Some people think that it’s all bullshit, that it’s human nature to need to find a meaning in why we exist, whether it’s through science or religion, because we could not possibly fathom that this is all for shits and giggles, and we got ‘cursed’ as the only living organism to grasp that we are aware we are mortal.

Existentialism they call it. And to be honest at times, I find myself able to understand this philosophy, but it does is create a conundrum within myself.

In simply put terms (thank Google still for this paraphrasing) existentialism is a “philosphical belief that each of us is responsible for creating purpose or meaning in our own lives. Our individual purpose is not given to us by Gods, governments, teachers, or other authorities.”

And who truly does know?

Even though my spirituality is a large part that resides within me, I have always allowed myself to be pretty loose with the whole journey of it, because while faith is a belief in things that cannot be seen or proven, it is for those reasons that I can understand why the concept can be hard to grasp as a lifestyle for others to live, or be seen as a “fact” of what influences the things that happen in our lives, or what happens after we die. And even though it feels nice that I can be aware enough to be open minded that I will never truly know, so that I am not clinging with all my might to the beliefs I have, I cannot deny the experiences I have had in my life that have made me deeply believe in a larger influence that has more of the control over my life than I do, or the way I and every other organism exists in this world.

It’s like asking the question if you believe in fate or destiny?

Do you believe that most of your life is predetermined and no matter what, the things that have happened in your life were simply not ever up to you to chose, because if they were, you would have chosen something completely different. Or do you believe that you have ALL of the power to shape what your life looks like because you can choose so for yourself?

I believe in both; and herein lies my struggle with existing.

I have written about how much of life and the things we were taught are '“important topics” to focus on in society, and should care about; are in fact all a conundrum. How everything is really just a double-edged sword. Well yet again, I have found myself facing another gnawing conundrum, and even as I am in the middle of its’ whirlwind, I know that I will never find the answers or solve this riddle. So my head spins and spins all these different thoughts and philosophies around like a tornado, which then brings about all of these conflicting feelings of existing.

And lately, these thoughts and feelings have been about the pain I have gone through; and the anger and hurt I carry from it. It’s been about the confusion I feel when I feel like I don’t understand the purpose my pain is supposed to have, to allow it to serve a ‘greater good’ in whatever my true purpose is here as a human on Earth. I can’t stop thinking about how love and loss is one of the oldest dances since time, and how hard that is to fathom that you cannot have one without the other.

Wondering if this experience and journey of spiritualism of mine, is just its’ own form of a delusion to give the suffering I endured as a child, a meaning. A reason to run from all of those awful things and make sure none of those things ever happen to me again now that I am an adult in control of my life. A reason to fight to find a purpose in life that can fulfill me in the ways I want to be fulfilled.

But if I believe in both fate and destiny, then why can’t both, or all of these philosophies be true. What if in order for each of these philosophies to exist, they could only exist with one of these other theories to allow it to cause contradiction in the first place? Meaning what if while I believe all of my trauma serves for a greater good in my life (fate), isn’t actually true, and yet because the trauma still exists, I can now use it as a way to drive me to not experiencing more of that same suffering (destiny).

And even then, that could just be me finding a way to give things meaning when they don’t have one. But I almost think that’s the point.

We shouldn’t need a purpose in life to feel worthy, or loved, or whole while we are alive. Existing should be a victory and a celebration of magic in itself. But by giving our lives more individualized purposes, and meanings; it’s what allows us to have connection. It allows us to create, to wonder, to dream, to inspire, and to give gratitude back out into the world for being alive with each day we get.

It is so beautiful and so painful.

What silly humans we are,

what funny organisms we are.

To be aware of our aliveness, and being aware of that at essentially all times, causes this very subtle, yet constant wave of fear or anxiety in the back of our minds. But ultimately in some way, it sets off a reaction as to how we will perceive and operate in this world.

What a beautifully twisted concept.

Fear and love, the two rawest forces, or energy, that drive every single living thing. I believe that whole heartedly. And so each of us is either running from fear towards love, or running from love out of fear, and both are influenced based on fate and destiny. And each of us is going to have to spend the time we get here learning to unlearn that both things are a choice (destiny), and they are also inevitable in experiencing (fate).

And with every bit of knowledge, perspective, and possible philosophies of my own I gain; it somehow breaks my heart and simultaneously heals me.

P.S.—

A little over two weeks ago, I was having the emotions of this topic weigh heavily on my mind, and while writing is a great outlet for me, I love to express my emotions through ways where speaking can’t always envoke as much emotion or intensity as it can at other times. So I sat down to paint, and what I ended up painting wasn’t the initial idea I had in mind to conjure up, it felt like what I ended up creating was the perfect thing that ended up being such an accurate reflection of what I was feeling consume both my heart and mind.

***The painting is the cover photo for this blog piece.*** (I want to share what I ended up writing on the back of it as a way to close this all out.)

“Being alive hurts so much,

each day I wake and get the beautiful priveledge to live another day,

get another chance to be more me,

get another oppourtunity to love,

every step towards something I have the courage to take,

I am simultaneously marching into pain and sorrow,

I am leaping towards heartbreak and loss,

I am running open arms into the very things that paralyze all of us.

I am running towards love, but I am also marching to my death. And so, I cry these tears of joy.”

Life is full of unknowns, fears, and what-ifs, but it can also be filled with enlightenment, love and the courage to find out. And instead of fighting to escape the delusion that I can outrun the ‘bad’ and still feel good, or fighting to find an answer to a question that drives or scares us all, I surrender to just allowing myself to experience the full spectrum of what it means to be alive, and allow myself to be grateful for this life in its’ totality.

All my love, A.