Unraveling At The Seams

Been a minute again since I’ve spilled my thoughts from my brain container. 

There has been so much happening. I know it hasn’t been THAT long since I last poured, but the way time works with my living in two worlds at once is quite finicky. 

The days pass by me, then as I look back on them, they feel like a lifetime ago. I’m not sure why, and if that’s how it's supposed to be, or if I’m the only one experiencing that, but regardless, that’s the best way I know how to describe it. 

Living in two time lines is both fun and a bit overwhelming. When that special sense of awareness kicks in at given moments, and as I keep viewing the very physical human world around me, while remembering I am a soul inside my own human vessel being allowed to see this, it creates that true feeling of an out of body experience.

I see the world through all three of my eyes. 

If you know what feeling I’m talking about even remotely, I’m sure it can be nearly indescribable to explain for each soul that experiences such a phenomenon. Yet I believe we can all agree it is miraculous.

For me, it makes me feel so much bigger and so much stronger. Being outside of myself that is. Quite literally I mean that too. I am outside of my human vessel for however many moments of time, and for that time, I am in even more awe of the world and myself. 

Everything is intensified in every way possible. The waves of noise dance gracefully on my eardrums. Food tastes so much more sweet, tart, spicy. Colors appear brighter and bounce all around me. Textures are emphasized on the tips of my fingers. The natural aromas of the Earth and the living organisms that inhabit it, are more distinguishable. 

Every part of the human body and its’ abilities that allow us to experience this material world, become so much more appreciated when experiencing it from a higher awareness. 

You become utterly grateful for the experience in itself. 

At least that’s what makes it so miraculous for me. 

And also because I become infinitely lucky to be experiencing being a human at all. 

Most of us have plugged into the material world so heavily that we have lost that balance of maintaining both. And so most have forgotten that Earth is merely a pit stop on a much larger, cosmic journey. 

And while the majority of souls will inevitably need to take more than one trip to Earth before reaching the next chapter of the journey, so many have decided (some consciously, others subconsciously) to allow the knowing comfort of human concepts of Earth to sway their perception, thus causing them to stay stuck on Earth. Further creating a sort of personal purgatory for those said souls. 

Yet the Universe and Earth are so wonderful and kind that they continue to give us chance after chance, in each lifetime, to make it back out. 

I, myself, only recently learned how to start living in both worlds. So I know how unreachable it feels or unbelievable it may seem to perceive life and the human experience this way. 

But it took so much to get here.

Mostly it took so much fucking pain, AND strength alike to get to where I am. 

Then, and only then, do you realize you cannot know immense strength within yourself without having endured the most excruciating pain first.

I’m talking pain on a soul level. 

I have written about it so many times in my physical journal entries over the last however many months, and the only way I was ever able to describe the feeling/sensation/experience (whatever you choose to call it) was that I felt as though my soul was unraveling. 

There was a consuming, every-part-of-my-body you can think, sort of ache inside. And I had felt as though I had the screams of thousands of people living in me.

The feeling was the most intense the last few months I’d say. 

Every day felt the same. Every part of me was in agony. And while my vessel did not hurt physically, somehow I still felt my whole body sore and trembling in some way.

And so…my soul was TRULY unraveling.

I was bursting at the seams. My soul TEARING itself from the skin it was sewed to so tightly. Freeing me from the tainted-ness of everything that had hit my human body. Physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual strikes throughout the span of my 21 years. Shredding me to pieces from the inside out. 

No wonder I felt I wanted to scream. 

I spent so much time being so scared of what I was feeling, and spent so much time begging, pleading, and praying for anyone or anything to end that awful consuming feeling. I wanted so badly for it to be over. To not feel the intense pain inside of me with every moment that passed. 

It was not until I started to wonder about going through the experience itself of my soul shattering, that it would in turn begin to heal. 

I spent months upon months focusing on wanting it to be gone. Constantly asking “why?”. Why was I experiencing such agony? “What did I do to deserve this?” and after so many days of praying for something else to take it all away, and it not happening, I knew the only person or thing that could change it, was me.

As I learned that no one could heal me but me, I knew that what I needed to do was be IN it. To be in and feel ALL of my pain. If I wasn’t meant to feel it why would I be experiencing it in the first place? And the more I realized, and started to take care of myself, it lighted more paths to more questions I needed to follow and find. With time, I came to learn that THIS was happening because I needed to go back to the source of my pain. To take it back all the way to the beginning.

Because everything does have a beginning, especially if you are already trying to get to the end. 

Figuring out the lesson/purpose in the unraveling of my soul was where I found all the answers and closure I’d been seeking. And lead me to the end of that suffering.

It is one of the main reason as to why I am able to sit here in this present moment, and write about this experience from the perspective I have of it now. 

I NEEDED my heart and soul to break in order to realize just how lucky I am to feel it do that to begin with.  

To feel my pain means to be alive. 

And to be alive (for me anyways) means to embody and experience EVERYTHING that comes with being a human in a vastly deep way.

I CRAVE to feel the awareness of my life all the time, and for so long I had lost sight of the fact that my emotions are one of the most natural ways to do so. 

The utter rage I can get in my stomach from being hurt by another human. The immense sadness I can feel having to part ways with a friend or lover. The complete slow, exciting, and euphoric feel of being at a concert. All of these things are so beautiful to me in their own way. Partly because I can describe and feel them so strongly. 

Don’t get me wrong, I know I am clearly not the only one to have similar feelings with situations. That in itself isn’t necessarily the part I am referring to that makes my experience different. 

What makes it so deeply moving to me, is because many other humans do not allow themselves to feel the full spectrum of emotions, let alone use them to go about life. So much of modern society has deemed vulnerability and openness about your emotions as a weakness. 

When I have come to understand just how far from the truth that is. 

You see... to view something like emotions so strongly as a weakness, that you do anything you can to ignore it and suppress it, makes you weaker than someone who chooses to turn those emotions into something to move and/or motivate them. 

To take that suffering, rage, sadness, excitement, etc. and channel it into something else…is SUCH a powerful ability. 

Emotions are what cause us to create in the RAWEST form. 

You can hear it in a song. Feel it in a picture or a painting. Read it in a book. So how can you be stronger for suppressing the very thing that makes you create and experience what it means to live in the world in such a complex, deeper, and beautiful way? The thing that allows you to have connections to yourself and to others?

Humans have allowed themselves to stay in the comfort of the human world, and it has consumed their brains whole. It has hidden the truth of what they really are in the deepest parts of their mind. Thus losing the bigger picture of what you are meant to truly experience with that extra awareness, and so you fall accustomed to the boxes and rigid structures of the man made world. And so…people learn that they should be “every man for himself”, and live in a “man eat man world”. And all it does is make them learn to take from others no matter the cost. 

And I simply cannot live like that. My soul could never sleep if I had ever done half the things most humans do nowadays. As condescending as that may sound, because I do not like to seem that I am above anyone else, I just have such shame in the way humans treat each other.

When did it become cool and okay to be unkind? To use another human being to gain something for yourself? When did it become okay to not show your vulnerability and to tell people you love them? When did it become okay to step on the backs everyone around you just so you can make it to the top? When did people allow themselves to be come colder than even the coldest winter days on this planet?

So many people are so out of tune with themselves, and therefore everyone else and it’s painful to see.

I saw a video once, and the person in it was saying something along the lines of how most humans nowadays only interact with other humans, not for the sake of connection, but to be heard by another so they can talk about themselves and their own story. And to be honest, I couldn’t agree more. We spend most of our time waiting for the other to get done talking, to talk about ourselves, that we forget to truly listen. To see and hear another soul, and see them for all that they are. And other humans and their lives and interests, are so fucking cool??!?

There is SO much depth and beauty in all of the living things and beings around us. And yet…just another thing humans have forgotten to admire. Because most humans are only looking at the outer exterior of another with only their two eyes, and to see who catches them first to then deem as qualified to allow in their life and mind. What a shame.

I do not like to dwell on the negative of things for very long, as true as it is, because that is for you to choose to sit with and further reflect upon the things I have mentioned. And with that, on a lighter note; I am truly appreciative of the fact that I view the world through the lens that I do.

It is my superpower. 

Before, I spent so much time being ashamed or embarrassed to be what others call ‘sensitive’. But it is my strength. It is what sets me apart from most of the other two-legged beings that I share this planet with. 

It takes ENORMOUS bravery and strength to be kind and compassionate in a world full of hate, anger, egotism, and selfishness.

It took me going to hell in back inside my own mind, to learn how important it is to be in tune and unashamed to express myself and ALL of my emotions. To learn how to appreciate myself, and the world around me more.

And I would do it all over again if I had to. Because coming out on the other side, and bring back so much more wisdom and courage in myself as a whole is so fucking freeing. 

Like I said, I had to completely unravel to start finding myself.

Breaking time and time again, and still finding a way to put yourself back together. 

And in all of that, another lesson I learned is that; getting lost IS the journey and destination all in one.

I mean think about it this way…if you knew how to get to every place you wanted to go, you would already be there by now right?? ;)

All my love, -A.