Devoured by Rage

It's here. 

The monster has finally found me. 

I’ve been caught. 

And as I feel its claws clung deep beneath my rib cage, 

I get the sense it’s as if it wants to burrow itself a home in the center of my being. 

This thing feels angry, 

terrifyingly angry. 

Since the day it arrived, I have felt its fury. 

I cry and I beg it to stop as my safe space becomes invaded.

I’ve done everything I could think of to prevent this monster from finding me, 

but it’s here now.

I wonder why, and where such anger could come from, 

and in a moment where I am still me, 

still free, 

I see it. 

I was birthed from a womb that carried its own great rage.

I grew up in houses where pictures covered holes in walls, 

where screaming voices made me feel so small. 

And everything else?

It was swept away or ignored, as if it never happened. 

All I have ever known is destruction, 

then how to bury the damage after it was finished wreaking havoc.  

This anger is not solely my own, 

but I have been unfortunately lucky enough to inherit it. 

Like a family heirloom, given to the next generation in line. 

This curse runs through the blood of my family tree.

I could never escape this suffering. 

It is embedded in my DNA. 

As much as I have tried to outrun this hatred, 

I cannot seem to beat it. 

It found me, I am cornered. 

It can see my heart beating from my neck, 

and it stares at me like a starving, drooling beast, 

ready to devour me whole. 

This anger is not me. 

It’s not mine. 

I don’t want it. 

Yet somehow, I cannot escape it.  

I’m terrified that if it finds its way to my core, 

it will consume every part of me. 

All the time I spent running from this thing has done me no good. 

My feet are bloody and my legs are weak.

I have worn myself out, fleeing what I always knew was inevitable; 

That I would, and MUST be devoured by my rage. 

Inside the belly of this beast, 

I see it clear as day. 

I needed to be chewed up and spit out.

Because while inside what I thought would be a hollow cave, 

I saw its tender heart.  

Then out of nowhere, 

I find myself weeping,

falling to my knees in surrender. 

This beast and I have had more in common than I ever could have imagined. 

This is no foe, but a friend. 

All along, this rage was a misplacement of love. 

So ravenous to be seen and held,  

to find safety and warmth in the darkest of lonely nights. 

Even in the exhaustion, something called us both to keep searching to find an end to this torment. 

A flame that could not be blown out, no matter how hard the winds tried. 

Somehow, despite it all, we were meant to find each other. 

And this fire that lives both within myself and the beast, 

is what will set us free. 

So together we rest against each other beneath the shade, 

after this long and grueling journey.

Inhaling the softness we have now found, 

just before we burn down these rotten trees to their core. 

Soaking up the stillness, 

knowing that soon everything will be changed,

and in its place something new and beautiful will be reborn from the ashes. 

-A. Fraley