Feel Me, Do Not See Me

I just spent nearly two hours writing a very raw and personal piece for me, but to also share with others, and the system crashed. It saved NOTHING of that entry here, and now I feel only utter pain from it. (Sarcasm but still.) It was almost done too. Like…maybe one or two more sentences, type of done.

But I will not let it stop me from doing it again!!! Although I have no idea how well I can execute what I was saying in nearly the detail and length I did the first time because I was in such a flow state, but here we go:

I was writing about how I have recently been in a hermit mode. Which if you read my last blog post, you would already know. But as much as I share aspects of myself and my life, and talk about how I live for me and my blog is for me first, there is some restraint within myself and showing a part of my soul that deeply yearns TO show itself.

Because it is unbelievably uncomfortable to admit out loud to anyone other than myself. I have kept this part of what I feel, hidden from everyone in the world. Anyone who both was, or is now currently, in my life. Because mostly admitting it means there is potential of me hurting others even when that is very far from my intention.

So…without further ado, just straight ripping the bandaid off; what I feel is that I am not seen by anyone in the way(s) that I truly desire, or matter most to me at least.

Some aspect of myself is still suppressed. UNTOUCHED. And it has always been that way in even my most intimate moments with both platonic and romantic relationships I had, or have. And having anyone I presently know, read this and feel some type of way, is nerve wracking. Because I am surrounded by so many beings who love and support me enormously, which I never want to go unnoticed or seen as ungrateful. I know that I am cared for in such beautiful ways, but it doesn’t take away from this awful gnawing feeling I have had my whole life.

And it feels shitty. Shitty to have such great, and different versions of love, but to yet look back or still feel some sort of dissatisfaction. Yet here we are, and I cannot deny it or suppress it anymore.

My desire to be seen in a way I am talking about transcends any typical way of longing to be.

My mind is a carousel that has never turned off. Always has ups and downs (like the aspect of the moving horses) but the one constant is the spinning of the whole thing. In other words (incase the carousel metaphor makes no sense) what I’m saying is; my brain has both been inputting and outputting data non-stop since I can remember. And also like some of you may know, you know even in my sleep my brain never shuts off. Because of this non-stop stimulation, it’s caused me to become an observer more than a do-er. I have to slow myself down to sift through what’s in my head. I can’t lie though, I love to be a fly on the wall, and it has shown great advantages from being able to take a step back. I catch things others don’t because of this very often. Yet as much as I love spotting things, it is also my Achilles heel.

On top of being able to have this natural attention to my surroundings, my regular readers know that I basically raised myself. Sure I had family, and friends, and eventually lovers; but the first person and most reliable person I had was always myself. So with that, in healing from my traumas over the last couple of years, I came to find out that many children who were or felt extremely alone have a profound need to learn the ins and outs of others, because they lacked receiving it. After reading this, I saw how true it was for myself.

So you take all of that, and mix it with my intense curiosity of the complexities of humans. And what do you get? A girl who stops at nothing to learn the inner and outer workings of all those I come into contact with. I always tried to hold deeper conversations with adults because it’s what intrigued me, what excited me. Even all throughout my school years, I was friends with all different kinds of people. Because I loved…people! As much as I hate to put stereotypical labels on humans, I really was friends with jocks, nerds, the emo kids, the delinquent pot-smokers, the artists, and everyone in between. And I think it was really easy for others to befriend me because of all the questions I asked. It allowed the conversations I had to flow just like water.

But it became hard in more recent years knowing that I am like this. That I carry these natural curiosities and questions within me. Because what I started to see was that I did these things, and others did not. And I was too busy enjoying the company, that I did not have time to see my own need, or yearning of my existence being learned about, was actually being drowned out. I was the listener. I have always been. But it gets unbearably tiring never being asked something, to in return , be heard for what I have to share.

Again, part of why I have locked this away for only myself, is because I know there are people who have asked questions, and who have wanted to learn about me. People in my life who have put in effort to want to know me and see more depth than what is shown initially.

But that gnawing feeling still hadn’t gone away, and then I stumbled upon something the other day.

Astrology related, but you don’t need to know it to understand what I am about to share. It was about Pisces placements (hello my Pisces moon), and it was talking about how Pisces asks to be FELT, and not be conceptualized in any capacity.

And that’s it.

THAT’S what I have been feeling eat at me since I can remember but never being able to express.

But it is true.

I don’t want to be seen and perceived by someone else’s eyeballs, as beautiful. I don’t care if I am seen as intelligent based off the institution I find myself at to find a career, to then have it/myself deemed acceptable or worthy. I don’t even desire to be touched/felt skin to skin with another being as badly as I long for my soul to be seen by another being.

What I long for is to have my laughter cause the air to swell that it carries and fills into the chests of those around, radiating immense joy.

I long for my empathy and sensitivity to be felt as a force to be reckoned with because it means I am deeply intuitive and in touch.

I long for my mind to be seen as an endless emporium filled with wonders and knowledge that beings nearly beg to keep going back into and enjoy more.

I long to have my love, and the love I receive, to become so intense that we explode back into a million pieces returning to the home we call the stars.

I want my SOUL, my ESSENCE to be felt. And for all exterior and physical matters to melt away.

In a world where we have all become so out of touch with ALL of the aspects that truly make us human, we have chosen to only soak in the world with only our first five senses. We see but we do not process. We hear but we do not listen. We touch but we do not feel. We smell and taste but we do not savor. Instead, we have allowed so many structures and conditioning to take over, that many now operate from a fight or flight response. Always in survival mode. Only around long enough to take what they need, and then keep moving.

But that is not what I have done, even before realizing it in the capacity I do now. Even in my chaotic and always moving life, the one constant was that I spent my whole life wanting to learn all the constructs and circumstances that helped uniquely shape an individual, because I wanted to know in every way I could what made their soul unique.

Because even at the end, when we’re all dead, and all our flesh and organs have rotted back to the Earth, and all that’s left is bones, the bones ARE the only thing we have in common. The one thing that should humble us to show no one is above another.

But the SOUL?

The soul is like a fingerprint. It can never, and will never be like anyone else’s. As well as the life story that shaped that soul.

And because so many are not in touch with these parts of themselves, I have only had myself to see the true wonders of what being a soul, an essence, an awareness, is.

I am deeply divine and otherworldly and cosmic.

I am CREATION and ENERGY and LOVE.

And it’s hard to feel that way and connect with others at this point. Because my heart is so in awe of how I am all of these magical and un-explainable things that decided to wrap up into a funny little human body, and one that I inevitably chose to look like. And as wonderful as it is, and I keep reiterating, it doesn’t make it any less hard to know. It doesn’t make it any less hard to ignore as truth when that is exactly what it feels like to me.

Now normally whenever I am ending a post, it naturally seems to shift gears to ultimately have an optimistic outlook to move forward, and while I am not sad or lonely or pessimistic, I don’t really have any super optimistic insight I can give. Sometimes there are just things we can’t fully explain, or rationalize to move on from. We just have to find a way to accept it and hold space for it, and simultaneously hold space and acceptance for ourselves in these states.

For me, I have spent nearly my whole life with this, so it isn’t anything new to me to have to keep carrying. Yet that doesn’t mean that carrying it is a negative weight. We have to carry things to become stronger anyways right? It is simply just a thing that makes me, me. Like I have been talking about this whole post. What separates us as individuals. And regardless if my soul is ever felt in the ways I crave by others, I have always and will continue to have me to see and feel these things.

Maybe that is where the true magic is. Is to be so sure, and steady, and in love with myself that it feels it will consume me whole. That type of love is one I know I will never experience from another because this is of the self, and that relationship is one I can never run from even if I wanted to or tried. And I also know that I am worthy of finding and having long lasting connections in my life where I am seen and valued in the ways I have always longed to be. Two truths can co-exist, and it is a space I will allow to exist for as long as I am here on this Earth.

All my love,

-A