Magic In Hermit Mode

Writing here, or attempting to, has been harder than I thought as of late.

It seems that the layers of myself and my life I am learning this time, this season, this chapter; are hard for me to find words for.

Which is sort of unusual for someone like myself who has always heavily relied on words to make sense of internal things I face, and for others to be able to understand as well. So not even being able to do that for myself has been a bit challenging, yet eye opening.

Diving deeper and deeper into why I can’t put words to things I am learning or experiencing has forced me to find ways to get it out, to learn from it, to heal from it, with something other than the traditional form I am used to. And it proved to be challenging at first.

You see, I’m an empath through and through. I believe I was before I even came out of the womb. So by nature, I just feel the emotions and thoughts of everyone and everything around me. Constantly absorbing the energy of the environments and beings. And let me just say, it is …. a LOT. And I have got an insatiable urge to connect deeply with beings, to see them and be seen back the same way in return. I have my whole life. So you take all that, and combine it with my choice of expression being my voice and words, my way I cope/process all external and internal things…and yet? I can’t fucking do it. I already have a hard enough time deciphering which thoughts and emotions are mine vs. others, so when I can’t always figure out WHAT I am feeling, but also don’t know how to begin to figure it out for lack of words, I started to feel as if I may implode.

(Queue hermit mode.)

Whenever the world starts to feel and become too much, I go inward. And not in the way of feeling so overwhelmed that I retreat away from life and people as a bad coping mechanism, but as a way to find stillness in the chaos.

When I can drown out the stimulation of everything in the external world, I can tune in to what my heart and mind have been trying to tell me. The messages are clearer. The water starts to settle enough for me to reflect upon myself and everything else within my life that needs it. My isolation periods are necessary and actually a time of transformation for rebirth that is getting ready to take place rather than from a place of death or defeat.

I’ll admit I was really struggling at first. Part of why I went into hermit mode is because while I couldn’t fully pinpoint the emotions and experiences and epiphanies I was having with words myself, I couldn’t find a way to tell anyone else in my life even that. And that’s hard for me too. I’ve talked about how for most of my life I have felt unseen or misunderstood, and finding spirituality as a tool guide for navigating life has been able to help me find ways to show my true self, and in turn align with beings who DO see and understand me.

And now suddenly I’ve hit a massive fucking brick wall of that exact issue.

Without getting too off topic (because I can save this topic for a whole thing in itself) in all of my changing the last year, I’d been asking for something I am finally receiving. And that’s a very connected intuition with the Universe, and for any abilities I may carry inside of me to be shown and used with/by my angels and spirit guides. And ever since this year started, it’s been wild. I hear things often, and talk to things I know are not me nor “voices in my head”. I hear and see messages all the time. I have thoughts of oddly specific things and then hours later or a day later it happens to the T. A word pops into my head and the thing or whatever it was is showing itself as a picture on a billboard or a tattoo on the person in front of me in line.

Something more is there, and I am connected to it. Communicating with it. And that’s a lot. Now of course while I asked for it, that doesn’t mean I still didn’t stop and ask myself if it was just an extremely odd “coincidence” or if I was crazy? BUT! I really don’t believe in coincidence, which anyone who is a regular reader of mine, also knows. Crazy? Maybe. But aren’t we all a little mad? ;)

Anyways…. back to my point.

This coming into of abilities is a lot to take in and start to make sense of. And I am going in completely blind here. I know no one and have no connections to another being who even remotely experience what I do, so that’s tough. Knowing that the people closest to me are spiritual as well, and believe in these things, but haven’t or can’t tap into it themselves creates a barrier. How do I share these things with someone? I can barely make sense of it all and find a way to navigate it so what is someone else supposed to say? How can they begin to understand?

I was left feeling so confused and distorted, that the level of unseen I felt was through the ROOF. So part of my hermit mode was to help with that too. Was I feeling unseen because these people in my life were just completely NOT in alignment with me that they couldn’t comprehend any of it? Did this mean I outgrew my connections and was meant to find new beings with similar experiences as to no longer feel unseen? Or was it just simply they didn’t know what the feeling/experience was like but supported me and were there however I needed them despite not being able to fully grasp it?

Now I’m sure some might be thinking; “Why did you think you might need new friends or loved ones because of that?”, a fair question.

To be honest, I am still not fully sure myself. I think part of it may be that in the last year I have learned so much of my authentic self and learned how to set boundaries that I no longer keep people and energy in my life where I have to work to a certain level to be understood by another. It is just unbearably exhausting for me. And aside from that aspect, setting boundaries and standards with some people didn’t always lead to us working through that. Some felt it was too much and we never spoke again, or I had to walk away myself. And all of this coming and going and also knowing no one stays in our life forever, means I don’t know and don’t get to decide how long some beings are part of my life for. So what if this change within me became something that changed the course of some of my relationships?

I didn’t know, and I still don’t.

But what I DO know now from my hermit mode, is that regardless it’s all okay. Nothing’s happened yet, and I’ll face whatever may happen when it does come my way. And aside from that, I have started to learn so many other things. Learning more layers of myself. Healing more layers of myself. But the biggest thing from all of it, was learning to find ways to let out what’s inside without my words and voice.

Letting it out through my art in paintings. Letting it out through the creative way I make clothes. Letting it out through dancing. Letting it out through the parallels I feel in music I am listening to. Finding a way to express me and find me through material and external things that have no way of verbally or clearly communicating what one feels or is thinking, and yet, when I see it or do it, I just KNOW that it’s all embodying and portraying it the EXACT way it feels inside.

And that?

Is MAGIC.

Pure fucking magic.

I know I’ve always done some of these things, but until recently I realized none of us have truly stopped to think about the true power that comes from creation. Creation in all forms. How energy can convey the things we feel and experience through inanimate objects and such, but gives it essence. Gives it that energy and life. The way we can show an express ourselves WITHOUT words is honestly more special at times I have realized. Special because when others can see it, it means we can be seen in a whole other way. A way where words just aren’t needed. And as much as I have always loved these silly little letter combinations, I have always had that deeper yearning to see souls, and have my soul seen by things unspoken.

That is POWERFUL.

That is BEAUTIFUL.

So it seems I have found ~ some ~ words now to explain what I have been experiencing, but I am quite enjoying this journey of finding new and creative and eccentric ways of sharing my soul. And worrying about who will understand it? Who caressssss. If someone accepts me as I am, then I create space for that to continue for myself, and for the other person as well. And if they don’t, well there are over eight billion people on this planet, so I think they’ll be okay.

I’m just learning that for every question that pops into my head that makes me want to investigate, I come to learn that the outcome or possibilities from each one is endless. And because of that, while whatever does come is important, it isn’t worth fixating on a certain outcome or path because that part isn’t up to me.

The most important thing I can do is keep playing and seeking and wondering and creating and healing, and the rest will fall in (or out of) place when it is time.

Loving existing as a whole for the experience itself because EVERYTHING is knowledge. Putting pressure on myself to be seen or healed or aware or evolved in a certain way, at a specific time is just … suffocating. Time and Life do only for themselves, I can’t force their hand(s).

So, I’ll just spend my days enjoying all the magic I can, and face my lessons and healing when it comes, and then find the magic even in that. ;)