Back To My Roots

Every story we tell, every memory we have, holds value. Everything we soak in from the external world, into our personal internal worlds, has a lesson or impact that inevitably comes with it.

And most of my blog as of now, shows that.

But I’ve been worried it seems redundant. Like I am trying too hard to get others to acknowledge how much everything about life is a lesson, and because of that, I’ve been finding myself less inspired with my blog the last couple of months.

I’ve been sitting around sifting through the billions of cabinet files in my brain of what I could choose to talk about and share with others. Wracking my brain of what lessons of my own life I can share with others to be inspired by, or feel comfort from, that doesn’t feel like the blog post just before my newest one(s). While sharing all of that with others IS something I want to come from this, that wasn’t the initial intention I had when creating it.

I’ve spent years pouring my mind and heart into countless journals and random pages as a safe outlet to let out anything I needed to cope with whatever I was going through at the time. As I got older I wanted more creative ways to express that. Because my mind and heart are my most sacred and private parts of me, TO ME, I wanted to capture it all in a way that spoke to those parts of me in a way that just made sense for who I am. Then, over the last few years, I started having a deep urge to write a book, sharing my story from beginning to present. And although I can still do that, I figured it was better to walk before I ran, so…we ended up here. With this blog.

But I stopped doing it for ME first. I stopped treating it like a diary, and then allowing myself the freedom and courage to share my most private inner worlds with those around me if they chose to want into it.

So, I’m going back to my roots. Doing it for me. Shamelessly and unapologetically. Releasing myself from the stress and worry of my blog making sense to anyone else but me. If you get it, then that’s great! If you don’t, well that’s okay too. I can’t get anyone to understand the inner workings of my heart, mind, and soul anymore than I can get someone to understand why anything else truly works or exists.

And while since starting this blog no one has directly made me feel that I need to talk about certain topics, or be a certain way, I still felt that way from natural conditioning that were nearly cemented into my brain. I was such a people pleaser with anyone and everyone in my life that I watered down parts of my authentic self to match others, or I did what they saw as best as to not create any sort of tension. Now even though I have spent the last two years diving inward and realizing the deep rooted ways of living that were harming me more than helping me, sometimes those things still show back up in present moments of my life.

Not everything is a cakewalk and just because we can start to face an aspect of ourselves we know we need to change, or think we have already changed, doesn’t mean we won’t still face moments where we are challenged with those habits we thought we solved. We can’t always know the way life is gonna go, and sometimes life throws us curve balls to test us to see if we really have grown enough to not fall back into that comfortable response, and instead to once again overcome it.

Which is what happened with me and this blog. I even once wrote about how freeing it was to not live my life for anyone else, and how I no longer let anyone else or anything influence the way I live my life. But I am still human. As much as I talk about being a soul before I am my physical body, I cannot be one without the other right now. So instead of fighting with the two vastly important parts that make me a whole, I am choosing to allow space for compassion and understanding and growth with such situations as these.

Life is not linear, and each day I get to wake up and experience a new day, the more I know how much that is true. And the more I can accept that life is full of ups AND downs, the more I have been able to accept that life is going to be what it wants to be for itself, which means I can only just flow with whatever moment or feeling or situation is currently in my path, and respond accordingly once I encounter a certain situation or lesson.

And I already feel so much better.

By simply letting go of any sort of outside structures or influences to dictate the way I share myself is so nice.

I just want to do more of what makes me feel good. What is truth to me. Despite potentially having different views than others about how one can navigate through the world, the beauty of it is that we ALL have the freedom to choose what feels best for us. And I’m positive that with time my opinions or feelings of things will change or adapt as I gain more natural experience in the world, and when that time comes I will adjust my path accordingly, but for now this is it, and some of these things are my truth. Because they are my experiences through my life, my eyes, my heart, my mind, my soul. And that, the experience itself, IS the truth. That part can never be invalidated by another, and I will never let it.

I hope if you are reading this you get the courage to live in your truth a little more than you were able to the day before. Even if it seems in the smallest of ways, because even the smallest of changes can have a much bigger impact than we can imagine.

You deserve to live for you. So I hope you do.

All my love, -A