What If? What If. What If!

Each time I take a trip to Ohio, I become very quiet and pensive.

I genuinely don’t think I could find the words to describe to you the way that being there makes me feel. The memories that linger with that place hold a lot of weight, and I know it is going to take a lot to be at peace with being there. But that’s not exactly why I’m writing right now. Just that being here in this place always brings up so much inner stuff.

And each time I am there, something bizarre happens, or at the very least there are important planetary movements happening which also affect me.

The moon was in Pisces while I was there. As well as Mercury, Saturn, and Jupiter retrogrades were all ending that weekend.

All of these circumstances and extremely influential planetary movements impact my psyche in such a big way.

Now I understand there are quite a bit of people out there who think astrology is a load of shit, but it’s not really my job, nor my intention to get anyone to believe in it.

I do. And I see the crossovers in how it genuinely and ‘coincidentally’ (as others may want to say) relates to my life when such cosmic events are happening.

So with that being said, my Pisces moon ass always feels so immensely whenever the moon is in my home sign. Absolutely everything is heightened emotionally the the fullest capacity it can be. And boyyyy am I feeling all the feels.

While all the retrogrades that were ending have an effect on us, the Mercury one is way more noticeable for me. So let’s get into what entails a MERCURY retrograde specifically!

Mercury is the planet that rules communication. So when it’s retrograding, or “moving backwards” (it doesn’t but looks as if it might be because of its’ shadow) it can cause tension with the qualities each planet holds. Each Mercury retrograde lasts roughly a month, and we have three to four per year. Fun right?

Yeaaaa.

***Astro community if I am explaining anything wrong please don’t eat me alive, I have a comment section if you’d like to add anything though***

So we’re told during these times to be extremely cautious of the way we speak to those around us for the fact we may be more impulsive and explosive with our tone, which would only further cause more issues. Mercury retrogrades are also a period where we reflect over the relationships in our life, and if we are having our needs met, or meeting others needs.

I cannot stand it to be quite honest.

(And I have ABSOLUTELY NOT enjoyed THIS specific retrograde.)

You see, to better understand retrogrades even more, you have to know that each planet will be stationed in one of the twelve zodiac signs for x amount of time. So you must understand both the characteristics and influences of both the PLANET, AND, the ZODIAC SIGN to fully grasp how you will be affected by the retrograde.

And this one is in Libra. Libra represents the scales, so they’re all about balance and justice. They are also one of three air signs, which means they rule the mind/intellect, and air signs have a very natural analytical view of the world around them.

So with all of that being said, essentially we’re all be forced to focus in on our relationship with friends, spouses, family members, co-workers, etc. and to determine if there are any IMBALANCES, or deal with imbalances we already know exist in connections we have.

And this is why it fucking sucks for me.

I despise having to analyze the relationships in my life mainly because of trauma. I spent so much time growing up in households where my voice to even want to express any sort of feeling about my needs being met was SQUASHED. I’ve mentioned this before, but it just made it unbelievably hard for me to stick up for myself, so I was always so passive with people in my life and things they did.

But with the healing I’ve done, I found that voice, yet I still have hesitancy because I also feel that I’d be a bad friend/lover/sister, etc.

Yet I also know that is entirely untrue as well. I am not a bad person for realizing and vocalizing that certain needs and expectations of my connections I have are not being met.

All relationships are give and take, so if I am giving more than I am receiving, that is unfair to me. And it’s not like me, nor anyone else is “asking for too much” when we express these concerns. (Unless someone says that, and if they do then they’re probably gas lighting you.) The people that love you and respect your boundaries will listen when you feel a certain way about something, and then make the effort to change or make sure ____ doesn’t happen again.

I think the other part of why I can’t stand it though is because a good portion of the time we all do said things unintentionally, so to bring it up worries me that the other person will just feel awful and blame themselves when they have no genuine intention to make me feel any sort of way. I guess that’s where reassurance comes in, but not really the point right now.

So my combined fear of making others feel bad when I don’t want them to, and not being able to express what I’m feeling, left me severely lacking on the receiving end of a good bit of relationships I had.

But it is necessary, as uncomfortable as it is.

And what do I always say about uncomfortability? We need it!

Without it we would be stuck!

Uncomfortabilty is the only thing that allows us to find awareness it what needs changing.

But many people do not wish to change. They are so comfortable with the comfort that even though they have x amount of things they wish were different/better, they deal with it because it’s better than the “what if” of it being potentially worse.

Those “what ifs” are dream killers though.

Remember my belief on how the universe is just a giant cosmic joke of balancing human fears with the innate INNERstanding of knowing we are more than our thoughts and fears?

Well, those “what ifs” are sure a hell of a voice to have to battle and balance.

I don’t care too much for what ifs, because of the fact I mentioned they were dream killers.

“What if they don’t feel the same way?”

“What if I don’t get the job?”

What if. What if. What if.

But there is also an ironic beauty in it, and the ONLY reason I enjoy the existence of them.

You can ALWAYS counteract it with;

“What if they DO feel the same way!”

“What if you DO get the job!”

What if everything you ever dreamt of worked out?

You’ll never know unless you do.

So as much as it used to pain me to even have inner thoughts of issues or tension within my existing relationship, I realized I cannot expect change when I let the “what if” of them being mad or any other made up potential scenario in my head win.

All I did was sabotage myself and some of the connections I had for irrational fear of those scenarios in my head. But that’s all they are. They exist only in my mind, and while they need to be acknowledged and dealt with in the reality of my mind, just because I have these thoughts, does not mean they are happening in the external world around me as a reality as well.

So! While this retrograde made me particularly uneasy, it just means I have some reflection to do within myself and the connections I have in my life. Some “realignment” if you want to call it that. And the fact that I was uneasy during this time, while ALSO in Ohio, means I have some more digging and healing I need to do with some of the relationships I had there as well.

Nothing is ever as easy as thinking it or learning how it works and then being able to apply it to yourself effortlessly the next day. Everything takes time and we all have ruts we slip back into, but you have to remember that those moments of sadness and quietness are moments that are giving you the chance to take a pause and reflect.

So I hope the next time you don’t particularly feel great or like yourself, you are gentle with your thoughts, and instead of getting more sad about being sad, allow space to analyze what you can learn from what you are growing through just as I am doing.

And also, anytime you have one of those little negative “what if” thoughts, tell it to kindly fuck off, and know that the feeling(s) will pass, and you will be okay.

Start taking those leaps of faith no matter how scary it may seem because in the end at least you’ll know one way or another!! Staying stuck will never allow you to experience what you want or allow you to be treated the way you deserve!!!

And I mean… what if it all works out? ;)

All my love, -A.