Starting From Scratch

I woke up feeling like absolute shit.

Sitting here stewing in my mind about how deeply lost I feel that I am on my journey and beating myself up for it.

I feel like a fraud for writing and talking about all of the things that I do, and not having such a straight path for myself.

But if getting lost is part of the journey then I am still exactly where I need to be. It just seems that the parts you didn’t plan, where you get a little more lost than you anticipate, takes longer to get back on route from.

Like surprises that catch you so off guard you have to sit down for a little while to process what just happened.

And sit I shall.

A time for deep inner reflection.

I won’t lie and say that I don’t know some of why I’ve felt so low, and what some of the things are I need to change.

For a few weeks now the people I connect with and things they post and talk about have sparked a part in my brain allowing me to question myself to see how much I have been neglecting to care for certain aspects of my health.

And I had become so consumed by certain habits, and justifying them when it was just an excuse.

But now that I am aware of the habits that are not good for me, the awareness is making me feel the toxic effects more than before. My unawareness left me blindly blissful of just how much damage I have been doing, and was going to continue to do to myself.

Facing harsh truths of myself when I know I am not in the best place I can be, is hard for me.

For a very long time when it comes to certain habits that pertain to my health I have always made a lot of excuses. I told myself that breaking or bending a rule for one night, or because I was celebrating with a friend, or any other reason was okay. But all that does is allow me to find some new justifiable reasons to break the rules again.

Really what my issue is, is that I am lacking in discipline. And admitting that mostly feels embarrassing. But maybe I need to be embarrassed. Not for what others will think, but for what I think of myself.

I have viewed people who have an abundance of discipline as having “too much” or being “extreme” in some of their life style ways, when it seems more clear that now I just had that opinion because of such a lack I have of it.

While I know now that there are no more excuses, I would still like to take some time to say that not everyone is born with this strong willpower, or just ease of being able to maintain a good level of discipline. I know there are many others like me who have struggled with this.

For me, I believe the way I grew up had a lot to do with it. I was in SO many situations in my life where it was complete chaos and I was ripped from environment after environment. All I have ever known is ungrounded and inconsistent energy. I only ever had certain options as a means to survive during moments in my life, so disciple wasn’t really a thing in more ways than one growing up.

And on an astrological view, my big three are Gemini, Pisces, and Sagittarius. THREE of the FOUR (3/4) mutable modalities.

To help you better understand, there are three different modalities; Cardinal, Fixed and Mutable. And each of the four elements; Earth, Air, Water, and Fire, are divided in these. One of each element per modality.

So; Capricorn, Libra, Cancer, and Aries = Cardinal Modality

Taurus, Aquarius, Scorpio, and Leo = Fixed Modality

Virgo, Gemini, Pisces, and Sagittarius = Mutable Modality

Now that you have that, I will tell you that the modalities represent the start, middle, or end of each season. Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall.

Cardinal modalities represent the beginning of each season, the initiation of all things.

Fixed modalities represent the middle of the season, so the sustainability that takes place to ground the initiation that was started.

Mutable modalities represent the ending of each season, showing and teaching us that everything must change, but the cycle of initiation and grounding are always still there for us as well.

Okay! So now that we have all of these pieces, hopefully explaining the effects of having so much mutable energy in my chart has influenced parts of myself both internally and externally.

While all modalities serve their purpose, the mutable signs representing change at the end of a season, can leave us very free to the point where we are so aloof, scattered, and chaos itself is known to accompany us more than it would ever the other two modalities.

So now that we covered the astrological view of me and how much chaos and I are good friends, it just feels as though it became such a big part of my identity.

There was even a period of time where I LIKED, and thrived off the fact that chaos was a part of me. It allowed me to be so free and easy-going and down for anything.

It was cool and all when I was a kid, and even as a teenager, but now that I am an adult, and one on a spiritual path there comes a point that chaos is the very opposite of what is needed to get to a path of peace and enlightenment.

The chaos leaves me ungrounded, further perpetuating the toxic cycles I am working to free myself from. Discipline IS needed the further you get into your journey. Without it you will not create change in your life. I will not be able to create change in my own life.

So it’s time to get serious. This next step in the journey is so unbelievably and deeply important in turning the narrative.

So I am admitting and accepting responsibility for my actions and habits that have been harming me, that have kept me in a low vibrating space. I am holding myself accountable in this very moment, but still allowing space for compassion for myself as well.

We can only do what we have learned from the circumstances and environments around us. While we have no control over our childhood years, and what happens to us, once we can take care of ourselves, the only person who can create better change is ourselves. So it takes a lot of courage and strength to even see and admit our own faults. And the changing of them does not happen overnight. We must ALWAYS show compassion for ourselves instead of drilling even harder into our own brain I believe.

And yet still tear the building down from its’ foundation. Watch it crumble, as painful as it may be to watch. And rebuild it the way me, you, WE want, brick by brick.

The beauty of life and free will is that we get to change and continuously learn, or relearn certain things, as to align with the path that is best for us.

It’s going to take a lot of patience, gentleness and discipline alike; to rebuilt myself, and my habits.

But it is what is necessary and needed for me to get to the next chapter of my life.

So in a way, we’re starting from scratch.

So that I may build the most beautiful, peaceful, fulfilling home both inside my head and the home in my external world, and I wish the same for others as well. We all deserve it.

All my love, -A.