Scatterbrained Little Girl

Scatterbrained girl I am. 

Five days since I’ve written or gotten my thoughts out at all, and when I opened my laptop I hadn’t even finished the last entry I was doing. Sometimes it feels as though the human in me takes over so much and it just causes me to be in a thousand places at one time. It seems my brain doesn’t want me to miss a single thing. This creates moments where I am not centered with myself and so…my thoughts and I just…poof. Everywhere. But my god you gotta learn to love it. I know that’s what I am doing for myself. 

Loving all the parts of me that is.  

Because I need to be kind to myself no matter what. Even in my bad moments. All of these things make up, me. 

My procrastination. 

My forgetfulness. 

My anger. 

My jealousy. 

My wrath. 

My mistakes. 

But also, 

My creativity. 

My playfulness. 

My joy.

My compassion. 

My LOVE. 

My need to grow. 

All of the things that my body has both (been) grazed, caressed, licked, kissed, inhaled, heard, seen, and FELT (by) make up all the pieces that form me. 

I am everything and everything is me.

And I am learning to love it all. Embodying ALL that is me. 

In doing so, I have found so much more within myself. Bit by bit, the most raw and honest and needed pieces of myself that had been neglected, are finally starting to flourish again. Allowing me to open back up healthy habits and behaviors.

My voice is probably the biggest one that had been suppressed though. I have always had a strong internal voice and belief system, but as I got older, it became harder to defend myself and my beliefs and boundaries outwardly to others. I became such a push-over and overly caring/involved with everyone-else-first type of person, that it made me lose sight of caring for me. 

I had forgotten that as much as I care for others, I HAVE to care for myself first, and it is okay to vocalize that to others. There is nothing wrong with that because it will never be truly selfish to care for me first. 

And here’s the catch.

(Don’t worry it’s a good one though.)

Just because I care for myself first, does not mean I stop caring for others as a whole. That is quite the opposite. But in order to even be a good person to others, I have to be good to and FOR myself first. 

We have to realize that no one else can or will want to take care of us at the end of the day. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Spiritually. And so, we must learn to embrace the need and WANT to care for ourselves as well. We have to. We can’t not do it, ON TOP OF others not caring for us, and think that it will end well??? ...If you catch my drift. (I’m talking you’ll be dead.) (Sorry to be so blunt I could not come up with anything more clever.) So how can we be who we want and do what we want, if we do not put in that work to care for ourselves???

And it’s funny, I always used to say the word “trying”. But that’s not really a thing. You either are or you aren’t doing something. There is only doing to practice perfecting your craft, or not doing and staying un-evolved. 

So no longer will I say “I am trying to live my life that way, and to grow and to heal.” 

But instead say, “I AM living my life that way, and I AM growing and healing.” 

And how much better is that? To know that I indeed AM doing it. 

Removing one word changed it all. And opened a whole new perspective to the way I view the world and my life, and how I want to live in it. 

But the real beauty is in the mess of it all. 

We spend so much time deeply immersed in human ways of living that we in turn, forget to remind ourselves to remember to come back to US. 

That causes our consciousness to become so human that we limit ourselves within these boxes and structures. We start to fixate on the parts of what we are doing wrong, and are taking longer to learn, or what we don’t have. Instead of appreciating what we ARE doing, what we HAVE learned, and what we ALREADY do have. 

I am aware that we all go through struggles, and we have every right and every NEED to also look at that pain and damage, those failures and mistakes.

We need to be aware of it in the first place to find what we do have that we must practice being grateful for. The problem is that many get stuck in the bad, and allow it to consume them whole and blind them from all the light they still have.

And I know how great the imbalance is of people who do have less. And also how it’s hard for some people to feel that they have anything of their own at all when it seems and feels like they have “nothing”. No light, no guidance, no worth, no one to talk to, (and as unfortunate as it is that we even have to have some of these material things) no money, and no home. Feeling that you have nothing, not even yourself is so hard, and can be so fucking lonely.

I have felt that intense alone-ness, emptiness, and nothing-ness before. I have been in so many situations that I can’t even begin to fathom with just my human mind alone. And to get where I am, and now find a light to shine ahead of me to show my present and envision a future is a miracle. It is beautiful. And I am so grateful. I know that doesn’t always become the case for others. In more ways than one. And each is just as tragic as the next. 

To lose yourself completely in such a way that you are consumed by that “nothing”-ness that you become “nothing” yourself, is the most heartbreaking thing there is. 

Everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE, deserves a shot at a good life. To see that light on the other side ahead of them. 

None of us truly asked to be brought to this planet. Both spiritually as a soul, or physically through the vessel of your mothers womb. And so, it is not our fault that as a child, (or up until whatever age it is for said person that they can care alone for themselves) that they endured any suffering they may have at all. And for that, I will feel immense sadness and grief for every soul that has not been able to make it out on the other side to keep going and experience the beauty of what this world, and this life does have to offer us. 

My soul weeps for all those that suffer so very deeply. I can feel it in my bones and every part of me wants to rip myself inside out to let the screams of thousands of voices to release their suffering. 

I feel everything, everywhere. ALL. THE. TIME. It can be so fucking hard.

Yet, I am learning to love and embrace that part of myself as well. And maybe in some way, that’s why I am here, and why I keep going.

For them, but for me too. 

To change the world around me with my very essence and presence.

To leave a stain of me on whatever intertwines with my path.

To leave something a little better than before. 

Because for me, it is a privilege to feel everything so deeply. Especially the feelings of others on top of my own.

Having this gift makes me able to be so vastly open-minded, caring, understanding, and compassionate. Being able to meet people or be places and absorb all of their emotions is insane. To feel what another feels is nearly indescribable. 

Especially when I have a highly peaked interest for how humans do at times, TRULY, embody the essence of what it does mean to be a human. It becomes mesmerizing. To watch someone else’s rage. Someone else’s heartache. Someone else’s joy. And then to be able to feel all of their rage, heartache, and joy? Whew.

It really is the beauty in the brokenness I tell you. 

So can you imagine how much of what I feel of others inside me can’t help but to shine through me?

And I’ve now realized that is my gift.

While first they are others emotions and personalities, they secondly are also mine. Part of them becomes part of me. And so I project out the light of all the souls that have collided with mine. All the time, by embracing and embodying ALL that I am. 

I have spent so much time getting to a place where I could feel so solid in my existence in both the physical and spiritual world. To merge both so cohesively that I feel so grounded as a whole. And I’ve finally done it, or AM doing it.

It feels so fucking good and freeing to know who I am, and to no longer be scared to express everything that makes up me, even the parts of me who have been hurtful in the past, who have let others down, who has made mistakes. Those parts of who I am have taught me so much, and releasing shame from those pieces of me, has allowed so much sense to come into my life. So much clarity.

Finally…I can breathe again.

So perhaps…in alll of that scattered chaos…some sort of revelation occurs. Of how chaos and disorder MUST exist for us to find the stillness of ourselves inside.

And maybe…just maybe…that scatterbrained little girl and her vivid, never-sleeping world inside her head does her wonders for the soul.

All my love, -A.