Welcome To My World

Greetings and welcome in!

This is a safe space for me to share my deepest, most intimate and personal thoughts. Free from shame and judgement. This is also a place for others to come when they need advice, to connect, to know that they aren’t alone in something they feel or are going/have gone through. So please be gentle with my words and openness, and most of all, me. Now let’s dive right in… we have no time to waste!

I have always been a talker. (The heavy Gemini influence in my chart is cackling right now at that.) But as much of a talker as I have been, I spent a large portion of my life talking about other people and their issues, and how to help fix them. Or it was spent saying things that weren’t entirely a true reflection of who I am, for the sake of company with others, or an attempt to end a conversation I wasn’t enjoying.

Now while that seems a bit dramatic and gives off this impression that I was just stumbling around putting letters and words together and miserable in my interactions around most people for most of my life, that is simply not the case. I still had the fortunate pleasure of meeting souls with whom I COULD (and was ultimately supposed to) connect with and felt comfortable around. And this was EVERYTHING to me.

You see, the reason in all of that of what I just explained is because that root stems from the fact that I had felt vastly mis-seen and misunderstood for most of my life. By family, even friends, teachers, peers, etc.

Now even though no one ever directly said the words that I was “different” (at least in a negative way) I have still sensed it in the energy of the mouths that spoke around me or the eyes that laid upon my being. I noticed eyes scan my body up and down in a matter of seconds and then would feel what they were thinking of me. Or what I also now understand to be only certain moments where I believed I knew what they were thinking of me. For not every time it happened was my assumption right, and naturally so. This is from a dear friend called fear. Or anxiety, or over-thinking. She comes in many forms, so just take your pick.

My main point of that, is that she tends to manifest into a voice of what feels to be an entirely separate entity to create things in our head that are not really there. And so, I had created ideas in my own head of how I thought others viewed and felt about me.

It wasn’t until I awoke to my soul that I realized that I cannot control how others choose to perceive me. After that… I watched my fears dissipate before my own three eyes. And in turn, I stopped worrying about the way others perceived me at all.

What a liberating feeling that is!!! To be so comfortable and solid in the foundations of who I am that no word, look, thought, etc. can penetrate my mind to make me question myself any longer!

Of course it didn’t happen that easily overnight, nor do these intrusive thoughts ever completely go away. Because as long as we are still living and breathing on this planet, we will always have the pleasure of balancing the human minds thoughts and the spiritual awareness of ourselves as the observer of those human thoughts so to not become trapped in a state of suffering. AH! The joys of the cosmic joke of the universe! Nonetheless I am beyond grateful for it.

Anyways…

Clearly it is not an easy thing to do, especially for those who may be reading this and have little to no understanding of what I am speaking about now.

And while I don’t want to dive into specifics with this topic of the amazing complexities of the human mind and all that good jazz, I also do not like to leave anyone in the dark. So I’ll just leave it at this; you are not your thoughts. If you don’t agree with nor understand this saying, let me ask you this; are you still you when you are not wearing your favorite shoes? Are you still you without that job title, social status, etc.? If yes, then the same applies to the fact that you are still YOU no matter your thoughts, or lack of thoughts. Your heart still beats, your brain still computes, and everything keeps on going as is despite what’s going on in your mind.

With all of that being said, the journey it took to find that awareness in myself is one that I would do time and time again if given the complete free will to do so, with also having the knowledge of it that I do now. (Obviously we have no choice in this matter, but again, if I did have the choice for shits and giggles.)

Realizing I am more than the constructs my mind has taught me to THINK I am, it bled and dripped its way into every single compartment of my brain and every aspect of my life. I became aware that if I am the observer of my thoughts, then I have more power and control to be more consciously aware of 1) what I feel 2) why I am feeling it and 3) how I respond to that feeling/thought. That power is a gift, and must be used with great responsibility. (Sounds cliche as fuck I know, but it’s true.)

And so that realization caused an explosion to go off in my head, not just allowing more doors to open, but for all of the stuff filled behind the doors of these rooms to all come rushing and flooding out at the same time. Chaotic and overwhelming yes, but as time has progressed, and with other epiphanies and practices I have picked up/started implementing along the way, I learned I can free myself from the shackles of everything that was chained to me to cause suffering and repression.

Which leads us to present time. It is currently 1:11am (how fitting the time) on September 30th of 2021. And I sit here today with so much more knowledge than I did almost two years ago on the start of my awakening, of the meaning of life and how to live it free of limitations.

Of course I am still healing from some of that trauma, because for me it’s 21 years worth of trauma that has been building and trying to solidify in my mind. The journey to remove those foundations that manifest into my outward physical life through my mind and my behaviors has been soul crushing, mind bending, heart aching, and freeing. The unlearning process of shedding every layer of who I THOUGHT I was, into growing into the person I TRULY am, is deeply personal to me. And so I believe there is no set time on when you are supposed to be done healing from it all.

Thus; being the foundation of theme on which my story and path shall now intertwine with others. A space to freely talk about the past and current experiences of life, how I view them, how I have gotten myself through certain things, etc. So I am inviting you into my world. Which is a very special moment, because all of us view the world in very different colors and spectrums. So to even allow others the smallest peak into my personal universe is one I hope you can gently and kindly care for it as to be part of it yourself.

So again, welcome to my world. I hope you choose to stay with me and maybe even hold each others hands through this walk.

All my love, -A.